PerfectLizzy Meets Her Match
by jvcla25
Summary: It's a little early for April Fools' Day, but what the hey. Mr. Darcy talks to PerfectLizzy


**PerfectLizzy® Meets Her Match  
** by Jack Caldwell

A clearing in the woods in summer. trees arch over the space like a cathedral. a stone bench overlooks a small, picturesque valley.

ELIZABETH "LIZZY" BENNET sits impatiently on the bench. She wears a yellow dress and a white bonnet. She removes a small watch from her reticule.

LIZZY  
He is late! My goodness, Mr. Darcy is NEVER late!  
I hope no misfortune has occurred, even though misfortune seems to follow him about.

There is the noise of steps along a leaf-strewn path.

LIZZY  
Mr. Darcy, is that you?

FITZWILLIAM DARCY enters. He is wearing a green coat over a white shirt and cravat, and buff trousers tucked into gleaming black boots.

DARCY  
(tipping his hat)  
Good afternoon, Miss Bennet.

LIZZY  
Mr. Darcy, we are an engaged couple. You may call me Lizzy.

DARCY  
Are we?

LIZZY  
Are we what? Mr. Darcy, I do not know what you mean.

DARCY  
Forgive me. I meant to ask, are we an engaged couple?

LIZZY  
Why, certainly—

DARCY  
(interrupting)  
Did you not call it off—again?

LIZZY  
Oh, that! A mere formality. Mr. Darcy, you must follow my example  
and remember the past as it gives you pleasure.

DARCY  
A rather unique ability, madam. I confess I do not possess it.

LIZZY  
Mr. Darcy, you should not argue with me if we are  
to have the happiest of marriages.

DARCY  
A happy marriage is my greatest desire.

LIZZY  
It is well we are of like minds about that.

DARCY  
We are not of like minds when it comes to remembrance of the past.  
Thoughts and memories intrude that ought not—cannot, must not—be forgotten.

LIZZY  
Then you must remember that we cannot have the  
happiest of marriages until you propose to me.

DARCY  
Again.

LIZZY  
Mr. Darcy, you are starting to become tiresome!  
I would suggest making a lovely proposal very soon,  
or I shall be vexed and refuse you until you apologize.

DARCY  
What proposal would it be? The sixth? Seventh?

LIZZY  
Mr. Darcy, I am waiting.

DARCY  
I spoke of memories that intrude. Those previous proposals, for example.

LIZZY  
Your first one—the one at Hunsford—was perfectly dreadful.

DARCY  
Yes, you turned me down because of Mr. Wickham's tales.

LIZZY  
I must say your memory is rather faulty, Mr. Darcy!  
As I recall, you also insulted my family and were instrumental  
in separating my dear sister Jane from Mr. Bingley.

DARCY  
Yes. By the way, I saw the Bingleys recently. Jane sends you her love.

LIZZY  
Ah, Jane! So happy with her Bingley!

DARCY  
As I recall, I corrected my mistake with Bingley and your sister,  
apologized to you for my words about your family,  
and bribed Wickham to marry your ruined sister Lydia.

LIZZY  
You also improved your manners, sir.

DARCY  
Thank you. I have taken your criticisms to heart and labored to improve myself.

LIZZY  
Well, now that that is settled, should you not be getting on with—?

DARCY  
And your own improvements, madam?

LIZZY  
Improvements? Do you believe _I_ need improvement, sir?

DARCY  
None of us are perfect.

LIZZY  
(laughing)  
But I am! I am PerfectLizzy®!  
Nothing happens that is totally my fault!

DARCY  
So it seems.

LIZZY  
I am waiting for that proposal, Mr. Darcy.

DARCY  
I must admit I am curious about something.  
I have successfully proposed many times to you,  
yet you later find cause to cry off.

LIZZY  
There you go again, remembering unpleasant matters.

DARCY  
I was wondering if there was a fixed number of proposals in your mind,  
or if you are likely to once again change your mind.

LIZZY  
Mr. Darcy! If you recall, I had cause to cry off!

DARCY  
I must ask you to recount them for me.

LIZZY  
Very well, if you wish. But I must warn you, sir,  
that this will not put me into a good humor to accept your proposal!

DARCY  
That I understand. But I require it of your justice.

LIZZY  
Let me see. I called off our marriage because of your affair with Caroline Bingley.

DARCY  
Yes. But I had no affair with Caroline Bingley.

LIZZY  
That is why I took you back.

DARCY  
Please be so kind as to remind me who told you  
of my non-existent affair with Caroline Bingley.

LIZZY  
It was Mr. Wickham.

DARCY  
My enemy, Mr. Wickham.

LIZZY  
But Miss Bingley did not deny it!

DARCY  
The same Miss Bingley who would say anything to break  
our betrothal so that she might force me to marry her.

LIZZY  
Yes, that Miss Bingley.

DARCY  
Fortunately, I was able to prove my innocence to your satisfaction.

LIZZY  
But then, you abandoned me for Lady Catherine!

DARCY  
Indeed, madam, it was your idea for me to go to Rosings.  
I was to "patch up things" with my Aunt Catherine is what I recall you saying.

LIZZY  
Disagreements within the family are so disagreeable!

DARCY  
That is true.

LIZZY  
You were gone a month complete without a word to me.  
And then, that announcement in the paper that you were to marry Miss de Bourgh!  
Oh, I was devastated!

DARCY  
Certainly. Of course, it never occurred to you that Lady Catherine had intercepted my letters,  
locked me in the basement of Rosings, and sent a false report to the London newspapers.

LIZZY  
I was so relieved when the truth was revealed.

DARCY  
It took me all of that month to dig my way out of Rosings, using nothing but my bare hands.  
I had to take one of my aunt's horses to make my escape.  
By the time I reached my house in London, there was your letter,  
ending our engagement.

LIZZY  
I could not be engaged to a man engaged to another! That is bigamy!

DARCY  
I was never engaged to Anne de Bourgh.

LIZZY  
I did not know it at that time. I was overjoyed to learn that you were not.

DARCY  
Then there was the ball hosted by the Matlocks—

LIZZY  
Pray do not mention that night to me again! It was horrible!

DARCY  
I advised you not to pay any attention to Lord Blackmore.

LIZZY  
You ordered me not to talk to Lord Blackmore!

DARCY  
I stand corrected. I was looking out for you best interests.

LIZZY  
You jealously demanded I ignore a charming, handsome, and amusing gentleman.  
I could not marry a jealous man.

DARCY  
I tried to protect you from a notorious seducer.

LIZZY  
I had no idea what he had in mind when he escorted me to the balcony.

DARCY  
I tried to tell you, but you would not listen.

LIZZY  
There you go again, remembering unpleasant matters.  
Besides, why would your uncle the earl invite such a scoundrel to his house?

DARCY  
Politics make strange bedfellows. Lord Blackmore was an ally of Lord Matlock in the House of Lords.

LIZZY  
Your assistance was most timely.

DARCY  
Thank you. You should know my uncle has cut all ties with Lord Blackmore.

LIZZY  
Pray convey my thanks to his lordship.

DARCY  
I shall. Of course, then there was the matter of you being kidnapped by that Russian count.

LIZZY  
I did not end our engagement over that!

DARCY  
No, just almost my life.

LIZZY  
Thank goodness you are so skilled with the blade!

DARCY  
I have had much time for practice. It helps calm the nerves  
when I am under passionate feelings of rejection.

LIZZY  
Excuse me, sir, but I did not intend to be kidnapped by a Russian count!

DARCY  
I tried to warn you about him as well.

LIZZY  
In my mind, you were being jealous, again.  
Besides, I thought he was interested in Miss Bingley.

DARCY  
It is apparent that he was not.

LIZZY  
I cannot help it if I am so irresistible.  
You suffered no lasting harm, did you?

DARCY  
I am well. I cannot ever enter Russia, as there is a death warrant against me,  
but as I have no desire to travel to Russia, it is of little concern.  
Unfortunately, this was not the end of our misunderstandings.

LIZZY  
What was I to think when a young woman presented herself at my  
Uncle Gardiner's house with a young child she claimed was yours?

DARCY  
Mr. Gardiner did not believe her for a moment.

LIZZY  
That is because he did not see her with my tender woman's heart!  
And when Mr. Wickham verified her claim—!

DARCY  
Mr. Wickham, again.

LIZZY  
You said yourself that Mr. Wickham was particularly good at deceiving people.

DARCY  
You seem to be particularly vulnerable to his persuasion,  
given what you know about the man.

LIZZY  
I could not at the time see he had anything to gain by telling me such a false story!

DARCY  
Besides ruining my happiness? If you recall, the young woman  
wanted thirty thousand pounds for the upbringing of the child.

LIZZY  
It is only right for a gentleman provide for all his offspring, legitimate or natural.

DARCY  
You did not wish to be married to such a gentleman.

LIZZY  
To live forever with a man that had a child outside of marriage!  
Every proper feeling revolts!

DARCY  
It never occurred to you that the child was actually Wickham's,  
and the two wanted to pass him off as mine and  
extort the funds from my soon-to-be wife.

LIZZY  
No, never.

DARCY  
Even though thirty thousand pounds was exactly the amount  
of my sister Georgiana's dowry, the dowry Wickham  
tried to acquire by attempting to elope with my sister.

LIZZY  
What a terrible man Mr. Wickham is.

DARCY  
Undoubtedly.

LIZZY  
My poor sister Lydia.

DARCY  
It must comfort you to know that Mrs. Wickham had no idea of the plot.

LIZZY  
It does, although she was stupid enough to run off with Mr. Wickham in the first place.

DARCY  
Undoubtedly.

LIZZY  
Well, now that Mr. Wickham's latest plot has been exposed for the wicked lie it was,  
I am now prepared to take you back, accept your proposal, and live as the happiest woman alive.

DARCY  
I see. I believe there is someone here you should meet.

LIZZY  
Mr. Darcy! You brought an audience for your proposal?

DARCY  
A moment and all will be made clear to you.  
(He calls out into the woods)  
My dear, will you come here?

Two people enter: a pretty young woman, wearing a fashionable wife's cap, and a handsome gentleman. Darcy takes the lady's hand.

DARCY  
Miss Bennet, may I introduce to you my wife,  
the former Elinor Dashwood? My dear, Miss Bennet.

MRS. DARCY  
How do you do, Miss Bennet. My husband has spoken of you.

LIZZY  
Mr. Darcy, I do not like your jokes.

DARCY  
Miss Bennet, this is no joke. After our last…misunderstanding,  
it became clear to me that not only do you not trust me,  
you will never fully trust me.

LIZZY  
Mr. Darcy, what do you mean? A woman's heart is fragile.  
It is always in danger of something intruding on the owner's happiness!  
You cannot expect me not to take the threats to my future seriously!

DARCY  
In each one of these…intrusions on your happiness,  
you could have talked to me.

LIZZY  
Talk to you? Impossible! It is too mortifying!

DARCY  
As I surmised. Miss Bennet, all my life I desired a kind and intelligent  
lady to share my thoughts, secrets, and cares. Someone to love and to love me.  
She would put all her trust in me, as I would in her. She would be the mistress of my house,  
mother to my children, and most importantly, my deepest friend and confidant.  
We would live in peace and quiet, far from the madding crowd.

Since our last incident, I was happy enough in town to meet a lady that not only  
filled those requirements but desired the same with me.  
Elinor and I were married not two days ago by special license  
and are now headed for Pemberley. Our stay there will be of some duration.

LIZZY  
Mr. Darcy, you are serious? You are married to this lady?

MRS. DARCY  
Indeed we are, Miss Bennet. Ours was a whirlwind courtship,  
but I have no fears of the future. Our two souls are so alike  
I have no doubt as to our forthcoming happiness.  
I wish you to find the same happiness for yourself.

LIZZY  
How can I? Mr. Darcy, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?

DARCY  
I would be lying if I denied a part of me wishes to say,  
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

MRS. DARCY  
Fitzwilliam!

DARCY  
Sorry, my dear. In any case, Miss Bennet, I have here a solution to your dilemma.  
Here with us is an upstanding young man, moral and learned.  
However, he owns not the willful pride I have. In fact, he is not willful at all.  
Allow me to introduce to your acquaintance Mr. Ferrars.

MR. FERRARS  
How do you do, Miss Bennet?

DARCY  
I hope you will believe me that Mr. Ferrars would make you a capital husband.  
True he is not rich, but you yourself said my fortune meant nothing to you.  
He enjoys the countryside and long walks, is very well read, and is incredibly loyal.  
Once he gives his word, it is unbreakable.

Mr. Ferrars plans to take orders. I know how close you are to your father, Miss Bennet.  
Allow me to make a different sort of proposal than you were expecting,  
but one you might find as agreeable. I can use my influence with the Archbishop  
to have the rector of Meryton provided with another situation,  
so that he may give up his place here in favor of Mr. Ferrars.  
That way, should you marry you will live comfortably near all your friends.  
If Meryton is too close to certain of your…acquaintances,  
another parish can be found that would suit your requirements.

LIZZY  
But…I do not know Mr. Ferrars.

DARCY  
That is understandable. Please know that my offer is open-ended.  
I do, at the bottom of my heart, wish you all happiness.

(DARCY lowers his voice)  
There is one last thing you should know, Miss Bennet.  
Mr. Ferrars is as fine a man as can be found, but he is far more…tractable than I.  
In this, he is more like Bingley. He is not subject to willful demands of his family, never fear.  
But I think he would do just about anything to ensure the happiness of his wife.  
Give the man a chance, will you?

LIZZY  
I…I suppose so…

DARCY  
Excellent! Let us shake hands and call it a bargain, eh?

(They shake hands)

DARCY  
Well, Elinor, let us be off! Pemberley awaits!

MRS. DARCY  
Goodbye, Miss Bennet! Goodbye, Edward!

Darcy and Mrs. Darcy leave. Lizzy and Mr. Ferrars look at one another.

LIZZY  
Well…that was certainly unexpected!

MR. FERRARS  
Indeed. By the way, my name is Edward.

LIZZY  
Edward Ferrars.  
(She smiles.)  
My uncle's name is Edward.

MR. FERRARS  
May I take it you find it an agreeable name, Miss Bennet?

LIZZY  
I do. How like you the name of Elizabeth?

MR. FERRARS  
I believe I can learn to like it very well.

LIZZY  
Indeed. And what is your opinion of dancing?

MR. FERRARS  
I like it of all things, as long as you do.

LIZZY  
Edward, I believe this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

 **THE END**


End file.
